"Words of Wisdom" Wednesday....kinda

Okay, so I really can't stand when people blog/brag/Facebook about the fact that they've finally dropped that 30lbs of "baby" weight.....(and their baby is 6 months old).  My "baby" is 2 1/2 years old.  Shut.  Up.  I already have enough reasons to hate myself, and your glory is making me feel even worse about my own laziness.

There.  I said it.  Phew.

Why, you ask, am I so bitter??  Well, it's an ugly green monster people.  Jealousy.  (Save it.  I already know I'm a terrible person).  And if I'm being honest, I don't begrudge anybody happiness.  Or health.  I'm the reason I'm overweight (and, yes, technically, on the BMI scale, I am overweight.  It's a frightening concept)  I completely own that.

I snack when I'm stressed.  I snack when I'm bored.  I eat because I like food.

What I'm trying to learn is the difference between necessity and desire.

And I think I'm getting close!  I've lost 6 pounds in the last 5 weeks. Okay, so maybe that's not so great, but, I was able to button my jeans this morning without having to practice any oxygen deprivation techniques.  And if that's not a victory, I don't know what is.

I'm still able to enjoy coffee, wine, and all the things I normally like to eat.  I just do so in moderation (I know, it's an ugly word, but it had to be said).

I'm certainly not perfect.  I have encouraging days, and days I wanna say EFF it !!  But, I'm only human.  One day at a time.

I try to set myself up for success first thing in the morning.  It doesn't always end up that way, but I'm getting there.  Slowly.  I actually enjoy working out (*gulp*) because I know it's a means to an end.  The more calories I burn off, the more I can consume.  Get it?  I know, I'm like a genius or something (*wink wink*).

My intention is to let those of you out there who are struggling with the same thing (and I read your blogs.  I know who you are), it can be done.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's not going to happen overnight.

Or in my case, very fast, apparently.

Okay, now I'm depressed about it again.  Ugh.  Where's the wine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME......

Remember when we used to get excited about our upcoming birthdays?  Especially the monumental ones (16, 18, 21).  And really, every birthday from 21 to 29, when we could drink legally and thought we were hot $hit and actual adults.  And we always had some fabulous plans with friends or family that involved us in a tiara and everyone serving us cheese & wine while throwing rose petals at our feet.  (Okay, maybe that was just me.....in a dream).


But after my 30th, when I got knocked up (my husband refers to that as the gift that keeps on giving), it's really gone downhill.

And, now, I am officially "COUGAR" status (I think).  Somewhere in between 35 and 40 (a girl never tells her real age).  Really, this is all I have left.  And I don't even look the part.

I had these delusions of grandeur last night that I would wake up to a clean house, a nanny feeding my children breakfast, a masseuse waiting for me, a personal assistant to attend to all my needs for the day.......listen, I qualified them as 'delusions'.

Since those things clearly didn't, and won't, happen, my plans for today are as follows (please contain your excitement and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop):

1.  I began the day screaming at the neighbor for revving his mustang engine for 5 effing minutes, while my 2 year old, by the Grace of God, is still asleep

2.  I am currently tuning out my 6 year old who can't function unless he is in the same room as me.....talking nonstop about God knows what.  Today's opener:  "Happy Birthday mom.  Do you know the name for a female dog?  It starts with a B and ends with 'itch'.  I'm serious.  It's in the bible".  wtf?


3.  I have to clean the kitchen, empty & reload the dishwasher (refer to photograph), wash & fold laundry......because if I don't do it today, it'll still be there tomorrow......which is a holiday....which means both kids are home.  All day.  With me.

4.  I have to go to the gym and burn off 500 calories just so I can consume wine tonight.  And, yes, it will be the entire bottle.  I even splurged - $8!

5.  I'm going to pick up a birthday cake, for my family, because I can't eat it, because my ass already has it's own zip code.

6.  My husband says he'll be home "usual" time tonight, which is somewhere between 6:30 and 7.  Which means I'll be making dinner.  For my family. Because I'll be having lettuce.



Happy.  Friggin'.  Birthday.

Thank God it's Over

This photo was the highlight of our Halloween experience this year.

It was pouring rain.  And freezing cold (I'm from Southern California, so I'm allowed to qualify it as "freezing" if it's below 65).  Hubby was on his way home from work with pizza....until the highway became a parking lot due to idiots who don't know how to drive in the rain.

I had no back up plan for dinner.  I bundled and layered them up as much as I could, and still be able to get their costumes on.  We headed out in the rain, just the three of us, and ONE umbrella (the 2nd umbrella was in hubby's car, currently parked on the freeway.  With the pizza).

Since I'm such an awesome mom, I gave the umbrella to my 6 year old, to hold over himself and his sister.  I was soaking wet.  I dropped the camera.  The battery and memory card went flying into the street.  I had to leave whiny, complaining children on the sidewalk while I risked life and limb (okay, not really, it was on a residential street), to retrieve said memory card and battery.  While doing so, I dropped my cell phone.  In a puddle.

The kids are cold.  And hungry.  Nobody cares about trick-or-treating at this point.  I just wanna go home and stick a straw in a bottle of vodka.  My 2 year old decides she must be carried or there will be hell to pay.

At this point, I should've just turned around and walked back home (no one else was out anyway).  But, damnit, I was on a mission.  These kids were gonna get some freakin' candy even it it meant if we all ended up with frostbite at the end of the night!

We powered through.  They were troopers.  More people decided to brave the elements, so that gave us hope.  And motivation.  I had a couple of sympathy offers for a beer.  And a jello shot.  I stayed strong.

Hubby ended up finding us, in the dark, soaking wet & shaking.  I handed Little Girl over to him and waited for the feeling to return in my right arm.

I can safely report that we made it home.  Alive.  And with this to show for it.......

This crap is making me gain weight just by it's presence in my house, but, I'll be damned if my kids weren't gonna get to trick or treat on Halloween.

Take that mother nature!

**please stay tuned for future post entitled: How We All Got Pneumonia**