Thursday, December 1, 2011

All I want for Christmas..........

The simplicity of children amazes me.  Sometimes.

I asked my 2 and 6 year old to write out a Christmas list for Santa.  My 6 year old can read & write for himself.  My 2 year old required some translation by me.  I asked her to tell me all the things she wanted Santa to bring her and I would write them down.

Here's what we ended up with.

The 6 year old:

1.  beyblade  (these stupid things are gonna drive me to O.D. on Xanax)
2.  legos
3.  Harry Potter  (not quite sure if he meant the actual character, or a book, a game...???)
4.  football
5.  candey  (his spelling, not mine)
6.  gum
7.  Papa Johns pizza  (again, this is open to interpretation:  just a pizza, or an actual franchise...???)
8.  popicheropeca book   (?????)
9.  a brother  (keep dreamin' kid.  no more kids are comin' out of this vagina)

The 2 year old (as dictated to me):

1.  Elmo  (this might be tricky)
2.  Tubby Tubby's  (to clarify:  'Teletubbies')
3.  Christmas  (easy enough)
4.  reindeer  (again, a tricky one, unless we move to Alaska)
5.  flowers
6.  hesha  (this is her nickname for her brother.  no idea why.  and he already happens to live here, so done and done)
7.  juice
8.  t.t. mouth (her name for a pacifier.....which she no longer uses)

**and that, folks, is pretty much the extent of her vocabulary.

Who's having an easy Christmas this year?!?  I don't even need to step foot in a Toys R Us!!!  Now, I'm keeping a copy of these lists, so when they are completely disappointed on Christmas morning, I have actual evidence of their requests.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Words of Wisdom" Wednesday....kinda

Okay, so I really can't stand when people blog/brag/Facebook about the fact that they've finally dropped that 30lbs of "baby" weight.....(and their baby is 6 months old).  My "baby" is 2 1/2 years old.  Shut.  Up.  I already have enough reasons to hate myself, and your glory is making me feel even worse about my own laziness.

There.  I said it.  Phew.

Why, you ask, am I so bitter??  Well, it's an ugly green monster people.  Jealousy.  (Save it.  I already know I'm a terrible person).  And if I'm being honest, I don't begrudge anybody happiness.  Or health.  I'm the reason I'm overweight (and, yes, technically, on the BMI scale, I am overweight.  It's a frightening concept)  I completely own that.

I snack when I'm stressed.  I snack when I'm bored.  I eat because I like food.

What I'm trying to learn is the difference between necessity and desire.

And I think I'm getting close!  I've lost 6 pounds in the last 5 weeks. Okay, so maybe that's not so great, but, I was able to button my jeans this morning without having to practice any oxygen deprivation techniques.  And if that's not a victory, I don't know what is.

I'm still able to enjoy coffee, wine, and all the things I normally like to eat.  I just do so in moderation (I know, it's an ugly word, but it had to be said).

I'm certainly not perfect.  I have encouraging days, and days I wanna say EFF it !!  But, I'm only human.  One day at a time.

I try to set myself up for success first thing in the morning.  It doesn't always end up that way, but I'm getting there.  Slowly.  I actually enjoy working out (*gulp*) because I know it's a means to an end.  The more calories I burn off, the more I can consume.  Get it?  I know, I'm like a genius or something (*wink wink*).

My intention is to let those of you out there who are struggling with the same thing (and I read your blogs.  I know who you are), it can be done.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's not going to happen overnight.

Or in my case, very fast, apparently.

Okay, now I'm depressed about it again.  Ugh.  Where's the wine.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Remember when we used to get excited about our upcoming birthdays?  Especially the monumental ones (16, 18, 21).  And really, every birthday from 21 to 29, when we could drink legally and thought we were hot $hit and actual adults.  And we always had some fabulous plans with friends or family that involved us in a tiara and everyone serving us cheese & wine while throwing rose petals at our feet.  (Okay, maybe that was just a dream).

But after my 30th, when I got knocked up (my husband refers to that as the gift that keeps on giving), it's really gone downhill.

And, now, I am officially "COUGAR" status (I think).  Somewhere in between 35 and 40 (a girl never tells her real age).  Really, this is all I have left.  And I don't even look the part.

I had these delusions of grandeur last night that I would wake up to a clean house, a nanny feeding my children breakfast, a masseuse waiting for me, a personal assistant to attend to all my needs for the day.......listen, I qualified them as 'delusions'.

Since those things clearly didn't, and won't, happen, my plans for today are as follows (please contain your excitement and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop):

1.  I began the day screaming at the neighbor for revving his mustang engine for 5 effing minutes, while my 2 year old, by the Grace of God, is still asleep

2.  I am currently tuning out my 6 year old who can't function unless he is in the same room as me.....talking nonstop about God knows what.  Today's opener:  "Happy Birthday mom.  Do you know the name for a female dog?  It starts with a B and ends with 'itch'.  I'm serious.  It's in the bible".  wtf?

3.  I have to clean the kitchen, empty & reload the dishwasher (refer to photograph), wash & fold laundry......because if I don't do it today, it'll still be there tomorrow......which is a holiday....which means both kids are home.  All day.  With me.

4.  I have to go to the gym and burn off 500 calories just so I can consume wine tonight.  And, yes, it will be the entire bottle.  I even splurged - $8!

5.  I'm going to pick up a birthday cake, for my family, because I can't eat it, because my ass already has it's own zip code.

6.  My husband says he'll be home "usual" time tonight, which is somewhere between 6:30 and 7.  Which means I'll be making dinner.  For my family. Because I'll be having lettuce.

Happy.  Friggin'.  Birthday.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Thank God it's Over

This photo was the highlight of our Halloween experience this year.

It was pouring rain.  And freezing cold (I'm from Southern California, so I'm allowed to qualify it as "freezing" if it's below 65).  Hubby was on his way home from work with pizza....until the highway became a parking lot due to idiots who don't know how to drive in the rain.

I had no back up plan for dinner.  I bundled and layered them up as much as I could, and still be able to get their costumes on.  We headed out in the rain, just the three of us, and ONE umbrella (the 2nd umbrella was in hubby's car, currently parked on the freeway.  With the pizza).

Since I'm such an awesome mom, I gave the umbrella to my 6 year old, to hold over himself and his sister.  I was soaking wet.  I dropped the camera.  The battery and memory card went flying into the street.  I had to leave whiny, complaining children on the sidewalk while I risked life and limb (okay, not really, it was on a residential street), to retrieve said memory card and battery.  While doing so, I dropped my cell phone.  In a puddle.

The kids are cold.  And hungry.  Nobody cares about trick-or-treating at this point.  I just wanna go home and stick a straw in a bottle of vodka.  My 2 year old decides she must be carried or there will be hell to pay.

At this point, I should've just turned around and walked back home (no one else was out anyway).  But, damnit, I was on a mission.  These kids were gonna get some freakin' candy even it it meant if we all ended up with frostbite at the end of the night!

We powered through.  They were troopers.  More people decided to brave the elements, so that gave us hope.  And motivation.  I had a couple of sympathy offers for a beer.  And a jello shot.  I stayed strong.

Hubby ended up finding us, in the dark, soaking wet & shaking.  I handed Little Girl over to him and waited for the feeling to return in my right arm.

I can safely report that we made it home.  Alive.  And with this to show for it.......

This crap is making me gain weight just by it's presence in my house, but, I'll be damned if my kids weren't gonna get to trick or treat on Halloween.

Take that mother nature!

**please stay tuned for future post entitled: How We All Got Pneumonia**

Monday, October 31, 2011

'Words of Wisdom' Monday

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa

(cause you know I couldn't write anything that inspirational.  Mine would be a little more direct.  Something like this:  "EFF them all!!")

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Something doesn't look quite right....

When it comes to baking, like in an actual kitchen, I don't pretend to channel my inner Martha Stewart (Chelsea Handler maybe.  Does she bake?)

Anyway, I was trying to find something new to do with my kids on a cold, windy day.  And believe me, there is no baking happening in this house unless grandma comes to visit.  Obviously.

I found a recipe online (thank you "jane1645") and followed it exactly 

And this is the result.

WTF ??!!

It looks like globs of cellulite on a baking sheet. 

Seriously.  Where did I go wrong?!  Is this like a metaphor for my life?  I've got all the right ingredients, but I just don't know how to mix them together correctly?!

Great.  Now I've just made cookie-baking a completely depressing experience.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Top 10 Ways Being a Parent is like Being at a Frat Party

So, every once in a while, someone I know sends me something that makes me literally laugh so hard that I pee my pants (okay, so technically, that's not so hard these days).
I recently sent a funny list of "Top 10 Things You Should Never Say to the Spouse of a Deployed Soldier" to a friend of mine whose husband is currently serving in Iraq (she has 3 children under the age of 10). 
This is how she returned the favor.  I wish I knew who wrote this.  Anybody out there wanna take credit??  Seriously.  I can make you famous.  Okay, maybe not famous.  But, at least, 4 people will read it on this blog.
Top 10 Ways That Being A Parent Is Like Being at a Frat Party... 
10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub. 
9. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner. 
8. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function. 
7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.
6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA. 
5. You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink. 
4. There's definitely going to be a fight. 
3. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested. 
2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere. 
1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.
Go ahead people.  Pee your pants.