My life as an Authentic Disaster

At one time, I could actually use the phrase "Hot Mess".  But I can no longer use the word "hot" in any descriptive way about myself.  Long ago, B.C. (before children), in some cultures and geographical areas, I definitely could have qualified as "hot".  But those days are over.  For good apparently.

And most days I honestly do feel blessed for all that I have. 

But not today.  Today, my life sucks.  Why, you ask?  (and, YES, I do understand there are people starving in Africa).

1.  My children are  little terrorists  assholes.  Yes, I said it.  Assholes.  Their main objective from 7am to 8:45am Monday thru Friday, is to drive me to drink.  Then it resumes all over again from 4pm to approximately 6:30pm.

2.  As I sit here typing, on the floor, so my husband and children can relax on the comfort of the couch, I have an ice pack wrapped around my swollen knee and a heating pad propped against my aching back.  I'm old.  And I'm falling apart.  My knee, which has already been operated on TWICE in my lifetime, has decided now is the time to give out again (which may, or may not, have something to do with the fact that I had a few too many vodka/tonics while at the beach, and *gracefully* tripped over a beach chair, therefore twisting said knee and landing face down in the sand.  Not my proudest moment)  Which leads me to.......

3.  PAIN.  Discomfort.  Inconvenience.  I now have to wear an extremely unfashionable knee brace (which isn't doing any favors for the fat or cellulite on my thigh) and make an unwanted (and most likely, costly) trip to the orthopedists office.  With 2 year old in tow.  My husband is thrilled. (Considering, the last time this happened, was after an "event" with a mechanical bull.  Four weeks before we moved clear across the country).

4.  I can't lose weight.  I haven't been in the correct BMI category since 2005.  I have done everything from the South Beach Diet to Weight Watchers (which is my current dysfunctional project) to jogging to p90x.  My body rejects all forms of diet and exercise.  I have actually GAINED 4 lbs. since I started Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago.  FOUR *mother e-ffing* POUNDS!!  I'm tired of my waistline being compared to a popular breakfast pastry!  Which leads me to........

5. Bat wings.  And I'm not talkin' vampire bat that turns into a hot, sulky, tall, dark & handsome sexpot.  I'm talkin' the kind that have sprouted from the back of my arms  The ones that need to be harnessed any time I want to lift my arms vertically!!

6.  Bugs.  I am a California girl, who convinced my husband to move across the country, to the South, so that we could have a "better life", and a "home with a yard", and a "slower lifestyle".......and I ended up in a state with flying ants, and horsefies the size of chihuahuas, and insects that defy all laws of nature!  There are wolf-spiders here, that could probably eat my 2 year old.  As an after dinner snack.



Yes.  I would LOVE some cheese with my *whine*.  Preferably Gouda.