Someboy LIKES me!!!!

Well, technically (if I may brag for just a moment), TWO people.  Who actually read my blog and quite possibly enjoy it.  This such an amazing concept to me.  Especially since this whole thing started off as a therapeutic way to survive motherhood.  To have a sounding board of people to hear my complaints (and, less frequent, successes), since no one else around here seems that interested in them.

Motherhood can be a very lonely place.  Especially if you "stay at home".  It's hard to make friends....good friends....when you're in a constant state of distraction and ADD.  So, to know that other moms out there can relate to what I'm going through - whether they rode this highway a long time ago, or are currently entering the on-ramp - is a very COMFORTING feeling! 

So, let me start off with thanking the 2 bloggers for the award I received.....

THANK YOU .....
http://not-so-silent-mommy.blogspot.com/#axzz1Oak7Hrha  
and ...........  http://parentingpains.blogspot.com/

for giving me this award!!!  And BOTH in the same week!  I feel so giddy I might even shave my legs & put on some make-up!

Now, from what I understand, there are *rules* to receiving this award.  And Lord knows, I don't want to have them revoked just for not following the directions!  So, here it goes......
I am supposed to tell you 7 things about myself that you don't already know (and you are supposed to pretend you are interested in learning these things).  Then I am supposed to nominate 7 different blogs, that I find appealing, for this award (and you are supposed to check them out!).  Easy enough.

1.  I am an only child.  This is most likely the cause of my Type A+ personality disorder.

2.  Despite my *social* nature, I actually have severe social anxiety.  I hate to be in new situations, around new people.  It gives me heart palpitations.  Therefore, I am a big proponent of Xanax.

3.  I am a huge clutz.  I will hurt myself in most semi-athletic situations (I use that phrase loosley).  Case in point:  knee surgery at 16 from a cheerleading *accident*; broken wrist at 3_ from rollerskating with girlfriends; second knee surgery at 3_ from falling off a mechanical bull; dislocated knee cap from bending down to pick up a pacifier; 3 broken toes & foot from falling downstairs, trying to avoid landing on my 4 year old and save my glass of wine at the same time.

4.  I love to dress my daughter in frilly girl clothes and tutus.  I'm too fat to be able to wear anything cute on myself, so I compensate for that with her.

5.  I  couldn't live in a world without wine.  Or anti-depressants.

6. I have feet-phobia.  For real.  It's one of the first things I look at on people.  It has even sometimes qualified as a relationship-deal-breaker. 

7.  I am addicted to hot, bubble baths.  I even take them in the summertime (and I live in the humid south!)

So, on to my own nominations.  I'm sure there are SO many more out there that I am just not lucky enough to find yet, but these ladies truly make me laugh thus far in my little "bloggy" world (and I secretly pretend we are all good friends).

1.  http://www.bringmommythevodka.com/
2.  http://amartinialwayshelps2.blogspot.com/
3.  http://www.mommyslittlemonsterblake.com/
4.  http://www.imdomesticnotdead.com/
5.  http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/
6.  http://thewhitewords.blogspot.com/
7.  http://homeceomom.blogspot.com/

Cheers!!!

Going out with a BANG!!

If they handed out Academy Awards for Worst Mothering, I'm quite certain I would win.  Annually.  Even more frequently, if possible.

I knew today would be an emotional one.  It's Little Man's last day of kindergarten (sniff, sniff).  It's bittersweet.  On one hand, it's a huge milestone completed (and another indication of how old I'm getting).  On the other hand, now he's stuck at home.  With me.  For the next several weeks (must remember to stock up on wine).

Let me *Cliffs-notes* this mornings events for you........

1.  Little Man in my face at 5am (after not having gone to bed until midnight myself).

2.  In haste of trying to pack his last lunch, wrap gifts to give to his teachers (as a thank you for dealing with Mr. Spazzy all year) and pick out the perfect "last day of school" outfit......I forgot to feed him breakfast, give him his iron pill and allergy medications, and do his nebulizing treatment (see?  I rock this mothering gig).

3.  Upon arriving at school, via car (even though we live exactly ONE block from the school, which is actually inside our neighborhood), his sister and I give him a goodbye kiss......and he then proceeds to shut Little Girl's tiny fingers in the car door.

4.  Obviously, I'm in a state of panic, and the only thing I can think about is getting the passenger door open, so I lift my foot off the brake..........

5..........and, yes, my car rolls forward.  Into and up onto the curb.........

6........which then causes mass hysteria by the staff (who stand outside to make sure all the kids make it off the bus and out of the carpool lane okay - clearly there's a reason why), and the parents just trying to walk their kids to the school doors.

7.  I'm mortified.  Both children are screaming.  Dirty looks are penetrating through the metal and windows of the car (where is the biggest rock for me to hide under??)

Thankfully, no one was seriously injured during the events that took place between 8:00am and 8:45am.

Other than my ego.

And my 2 year old, who's fingers are still intact, and who felt immediately better after 3 bags of fruit snacks and a lollipop.

Now, where's my award?



**image credit goes to:  scribbleoneverything.com**

My life as an Authentic Disaster

At one time, I could actually use the phrase "Hot Mess".  But I can no longer use the word "hot" in any descriptive way about myself.  Long ago, B.C. (before children), in some cultures and geographical areas, I definitely could have qualified as "hot".  But those days are over.  For good apparently.

And most days I honestly do feel blessed for all that I have. 

But not today.  Today, my life sucks.  Why, you ask?  (and, YES, I do understand there are people starving in Africa).

1.  My children are  little terrorists  assholes.  Yes, I said it.  Assholes.  Their main objective from 7am to 8:45am Monday thru Friday, is to drive me to drink.  Then it resumes all over again from 4pm to approximately 6:30pm.

2.  As I sit here typing, on the floor, so my husband and children can relax on the comfort of the couch, I have an ice pack wrapped around my swollen knee and a heating pad propped against my aching back.  I'm old.  And I'm falling apart.  My knee, which has already been operated on TWICE in my lifetime, has decided now is the time to give out again (which may, or may not, have something to do with the fact that I had a few too many vodka/tonics while at the beach, and *gracefully* tripped over a beach chair, therefore twisting said knee and landing face down in the sand.  Not my proudest moment)  Which leads me to.......

3.  PAIN.  Discomfort.  Inconvenience.  I now have to wear an extremely unfashionable knee brace (which isn't doing any favors for the fat or cellulite on my thigh) and make an unwanted (and most likely, costly) trip to the orthopedists office.  With 2 year old in tow.  My husband is thrilled. (Considering, the last time this happened, was after an "event" with a mechanical bull.  Four weeks before we moved clear across the country).

4.  I can't lose weight.  I haven't been in the correct BMI category since 2005.  I have done everything from the South Beach Diet to Weight Watchers (which is my current dysfunctional project) to jogging to p90x.  My body rejects all forms of diet and exercise.  I have actually GAINED 4 lbs. since I started Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago.  FOUR *mother e-ffing* POUNDS!!  I'm tired of my waistline being compared to a popular breakfast pastry!  Which leads me to........

5. Bat wings.  And I'm not talkin' vampire bat that turns into a hot, sulky, tall, dark & handsome sexpot.  I'm talkin' the kind that have sprouted from the back of my arms  The ones that need to be harnessed any time I want to lift my arms vertically!!

6.  Bugs.  I am a California girl, who convinced my husband to move across the country, to the South, so that we could have a "better life", and a "home with a yard", and a "slower lifestyle".......and I ended up in a state with flying ants, and horsefies the size of chihuahuas, and insects that defy all laws of nature!  There are wolf-spiders here, that could probably eat my 2 year old.  As an after dinner snack.



Yes.  I would LOVE some cheese with my *whine*.  Preferably Gouda.

The truth hurts.

Falling into the category of:  Sweet Things My Kids Say To Me......

My 5 year old, "little man" brings his toy telescope into the living room, where I am cleaning.  He says:

"Mom, I can see you through my telescope, and your butt looks really big"

Awesome.  Thanks honey.

Lord, hear my prayer....

She's not as cute as she looks.

OK.  Maybe she is.  Some days more than others.

But as she's becoming more of a *person* and less of a *baby*, I'm beginning to catch on to her tricks.

("tricks" = manipulative techniques)


I usually yell at her older brother every time she makes a peep when my back is turned to them.  Naturally, I assume he has done something to her.  And in most instances, this is generally the case.  But, 'little girl' enjoys this tango.  She actually takes pleasure in watching her brother get in trouble.

Then, she likes to turn on the waterworks.

("waterworks" = whiney crying accompanied by a pathetic expression on face and a demand to be picked up and held)

So, now that I've finally figured this dance out, I'm cautious before I place blame whenever a sibling-brawl breaks out in the house (which is more common than not).  I try to identify the initiating culprit first.

This does not make 'little girl' happy.  At all. 

And I am being punished for it. 

Severely.

Why we love road trips.........

These are the moments we'll remember forever.  Right???!

Even with all of the stress and anxiety of planning to get out of town........ the 87 pounds of luggage, and crap, we need to pack for 3 days at the beach..... the 46 "are we there yet??"'s whined out in a 30 minute stretch.......  the hillbilly hell we get trapped in off the 95fwy, while Gomer Pile tries to figure out how to work the gas station credit card machine..........

..........  it's the little things that make us laugh.....(or at least, the little people strapped into the backseat of the car, trying their best to keep themselves entertained).

Yes, people.  This went on for quite some time.

(And please disregard the 8 chins you will see on me at the end of the video.  I'm a work in progress)