Monday, January 31, 2011

My New Life Theme: CHAOS

WHY is it impossible to leave the house, and not remember everything I absolutely need for the day?? Sometimes, I can barely remember if I've fed both children, put a diaper on my toddler, or brushed my teeth! I can't even begin to count how many times I have had to turn the car around, miles from home, making us late to whatever destination we were originally set out for. Once, in doing so, I was so flustered and anxiety-ridden over being so late, I actually left the house key in the front door after our second return trip home. Thank God we live in a fairly safe neighborhood.

On top of that, it has become impossible to take my toddler anywhere that she doesn't pretend she is Spidergirl. Yesterday's fiasco included a visit to the public library, where she proceeded to climb onto a chair and "fly" face first into a bookshelf, causing a huge hematoma to form right in the center of both eyes. She currently looks like a Cyclopes. Since I've already taken her to the pediatrician once (or twice) for a serious self-inflicted head injury, I fear I will actually have to switch doctor's soon! I mean, at some point, they're going to think I'm the one harming her. Although, if they examined my own personal history of broken bones and injuries, they may actually see a hereditary pattern of clumsiness. I am, however, completely up to date on how to observe your child for a concussion. And, truly, if I was going to use corporal punishment on either of my children, I wouldn't do it in such a conspicuous place.

Then there is the whole "separation anxiety" dilemma that causes me to feel like I need psychiatric intervention. At what point is leaving your toddler for 2 hours, so you can perhaps get something accomplished ALONE, worth 5 days of punishment afterward? No joke here folks. To spend 2 hours, every other week in MOPS, I am forced to do the unthinkable....leave my 23 month old in *CHILDCARE*. You would think that is the most God-awful word in the English language in this house. Every one tells me "she'll get used to it, don't worry". Yet, these people are not offering to pay for my prescription of Xanax or the bottle of red wine I know I will need to make it through the evening. This child will literally glue herself to me for the next week; violently kick, scream, thrash, hit and torture me until I feel I am about to break.

Which brings me to my next favorite time of the day....the 4:00 "witching" hour. This is when child #1 gets home from kindergarten, solely intent on torturing child #2, his younger sister and arch nemesis. I then have to put on my "mediator-interventionist-referee" cap, all while trying to get child #1 to do his homework, and play short order cook and determine what should be on the menu that both children will eat (which never ends up working out in my favor). Everyone is tired and cranky at this point, myself included, but I would be considered a terrible mother to threaten to run away from home.....right?

Don't even get me started on the days all household chores - cleaning, cooking, bill paying, Facebook & e-mail checking - have to be performed 'one-handed' because I have a toddler surgically attached to my hip.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who realizes that I am NO Domestic Goddess, Martha Stewart, or Carol Brady. If we're all alive at the end of the day, I feel like we've come out ahead.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours!

I can never win

I was feeling totally *jazzed* this morning that I was able to shower, apply make-up, blow-dry my hair, feed both kids breakfast, get 1 ready for school, pack a lunch and a diaper bag, get both kids out the door and in the car, ON TIME. This RARELY happens in my household......

Only to realize 15 minutes from home that I forgot to brush MY teeth and put on deodorant. Thank God for gum & cold weather. :-/

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Tooth Fairy needs a vacation…(and a haircut!)

I never thought the description of “mom” was short order cook, referee, chauffer, body excrement cleaner and wiper, maid, schedule keeper, nap Nazi, poop examiner, craft creator, rainy day entertainer, human air pump (good for balloons and inflatable pools), disaster relief specialist, infection detector, speech & etiquette therapist, and master detective in the “it-wasn’t-me!” game.

No one ever told me that things like diaper changes, getting dressed, getting told it's bath-time, getting told it's bed-time, getting strapped into the car seat, getting told "we're running late, it's time to go!", would elicit seizure-like activity in my children.

I didn’t know I would have embarrassing moments like standing in line at a busy fast food restaurant, and then be told by my 4 year old (with all the sincerity in the world, and a big smile on his face)…”mom, thanks for being an a$$hole”. (I will swear to this day he didn’t learn that world from me).

Who could have guessed that a full blown panic attack could be induced by a toddler who loses their “binky”, or, realizing that your house looks like a tornado ravaged a Toys-R-Us?

No. That wasn’t supposed to be my life. I thought I would be the “glamorous” mom. I would continue to work, get my hair done, regular visits to the nail salon, have Girls Nights Out and fit back into my size 6 clothes right after giving birth. I would never wear “mom jeans” with a waistband that lies just beneath my breasts that would never sag. No one would ever look at me and think “MOM”.

But, when I look in the mirror, that’s exactly what I see…”Madwoman On Medication”. MOM. I’m over-whelmed, over-worked, under-appreciated and under-paid. I’m not even sure how to balance the mundane on most days.

This is why I have to take a moment, and thank God for wine, anti-depressants, hot bubble baths, good vampire novels, home hair color, elastic waistbands….and the occasional times I get to sit at my computer (uninterrupted) and write.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I need to preface this entire thing with two very important disclaimers. 1.) I never saw myself as a mother. 2.) I never saw myself writing about being a mother.

Being a mother does not come “naturally” to me, as it does to some. I, in no way, consider myself an expert of any kind. And I am quite certain I make several gratuitous mistakes each day (although I hope most of these are forgivable). But, even with all of the yelling, hair-pulling, embarrassing moments, sleep deprivation, diaper changes, school projects, temper tantrums, illnesses, lack of showers and moments to myself….I adore my children. And I am proud to be their mother. What I hope I maintain through-out this entire experience of being a parent, is my sense of humor (because it is definitely NOT my sanity). I consider laughter an excellent source of medicine, and I hope, along this journey of mine, I am able to continue to laugh at myself, and help others remember how to laugh at themselves.

I hope my children remember the fun times, more than the times mommy is threatening to run away from home. I hope they remember their childhood as an actual “childhood”. I hope they are proud to be a part of this family, and to have me as a mother. I hope they inherit my sense of humor and sarcasm (and use it wisely). I hope they realize that my threats to make them pay for my rehab when they are adults and self-sufficient, is just a joke (kind of). And, mostly, I hope I can leave them with some sort of legacy....other than the therapy I am quite certain they will require as adults.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I wonder if I woke up one morning and just started trashing the house, if the kids would get confused and maybe start cleaning it.


4AM: screaming baby wakes up house; 4:30AM: finally go into screaming baby's room; 4:45AM: baby not consoled, finally give in & make bottle; 5AM: baby asleep, 4yo now awake; 5:30AM: finally go back to sleep, only to be awoken by 4yo saying "BOO" into my face over & over; 9AM: homicidal

From the mouthes of babes.....

conversation at my house: ME: "mommy is going to run away from home today. I'll lock the doors behind me"; Conner: "you can't leave us here all alone"; ME: "you guys will be fine, I'll leave some food out for you and I'll be back tonight"; Conner: "but I don't know how to wipe my own butt"......always nice to know that you're needed...


"If there were no schools to take children away from home part of the time, the insane asylum would be filled with mothers." ~Edgar Watson Howe

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


At the Pediatric Neurologist today, I saw a family with a teenage son who seemed to have severe autism & Tourette's. It took 2 grown men to hold and control him. My heart broke for his parents.
Yes, my kids have their own issues, and cost us over $9000 out-of-pocket in 2010 for medical expenses alone, BUT, PRAISE GOD, they are of "sound" mind (and I do use that term lightly, although totally applicable here). One day they WILL grow up to be adults, AND be able to care for themselves (and pay for mommy's rehab, as the tab continues to grow)