Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Dear woman in front of me in line at the store, purchasing a pregnancy test, and watching in horror as my children terrorized me, each other and everyone in a 5 yard radius: I truly hope we did not ruin this moment in time for you. If it's any consolation, I'm sure your unborn child will be the exact opposite of mine.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

You know you're tired when: A. you turn the water on to take a shower, get distracted, then realize 20mins. later the water is still running; B. you leave your house key in the front door when you leave the house; C. you "lose" your cell phone for the 8th time in one day, then find it later when you hear a ringing come from your sock drawer.
When my kids are old enough to drive, I'm going to sit in the backseat and kick the drivers seat, throw cheerios & crackers at them, scream, yell & complain and say "are we there yet??", "I'm hungry!!" and "I have to go to the bathroom!" over & over. It's going to be great.

Postive thoughts...

I am focusing on the "Positives": 1. The fact that I never sleep means I do not suffer from Narcolepsy; 2. I am a proud sponsor of multiple drug companies; 3. If my children were not constantly needing to go to specialists of all kinds, I would not know my way around Raleigh; 4. If I didn't have use of my arms, I could not lift wine-glass-to-mouth so easily.
While reprimanding child #1 for bad behavior (which includes some very embarrassing moments in front of others), child #2 has a poop explosion, which she then turns into a paint party all over the dining room chair. Threw child #2 into tub, forgot child #1's dinner in toaster oven, which then started a 'small' fire....a...t what point does one just start crying??


This is why A: you should never leave a toddler alone in a room longer than 10 seconds, B: I am close to being certifiable, and C: I need a vacation!!!
Things that elicit seizure-like activity in my children: diaper changes, getting dressed, getting told it's bath-time, getting told it's bed-time, getting strapped into the carseat, getting told "we're running late, it's time to go!"..........
I am starting a support group, which will be called: 'Mothers of Defective Children'. Yes, there will be lots of wine involved.

Thanksgiving trip to Florida....

Today's visual: 11 hours in the car; 2 diaper blow-outs; a pit-stop at the FL "welcome center", which had NO paper towels, OR running water; me using curse words that should never come out of a mother's mouth; being dead stopped in traffic, which forces your 5yo to use the "potty" on the side of the highway; and your h...usband singing Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch in the car...discuss amongst yourselves.
My son, Conner: "mommy, what if Jesus lived with us?" Me: "well, then we'd save a lot of money because Jesus can turn water into wine"....not sure if that was an 'appropriate' comeback, but it seemed funny at the time.
OK...so I don't learn lessons well.....Ella + alone in a room + hidden white-out bottle = sneaky child, who finds white-out and paints herself, the desk, the computer, the keyboard and any paper within reach....including bills. Can I use that as an excuse to NOT pay bills?? Kinda like "the dog ate my homework"?
2200 sq. feet of space, 2 rooms filled with toys & games...yet my children insist on either 'gluing' themselves to me, or trying to kill each other. I think they have a secret bet on who is going to send me over the deep end first!!
I didn't realize they gave out PhD's in Mothering. Yes, apparently it's true! It gives you the knowledge and ability to judge every other mother in the world and tell them what makes THEM a bad mom, since holding said PhD, obviously makes YOU the expert. Who knew??

Ho Ho Ho....our visit with Santa. I think it went well

I've always wanted a WHITE Christmas!!! Finally got my wish - just a day late. Thinking of re-wrapping all the gifts and forcing the kids to re-create yesterday morning! ;)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

How does one keep up with a blog when you constantly have 2 children within a 10 foot radius who are a.) screaming; b.) fighting; c.) demanding something ridiculous; d.) trying to kill each other; e.) trying to kill themselves; or f.) trying to climb up into your lap so that they, too, may pound on the keyboard causing strange things to happen on your computer screen.

To this, I have no answer. I am far from a perfect mother, and really have nothing figured out, other than somehow, my little family thrives in chaos (or at least, in creating it). I can attest to the fact that writing is cathardic for me, and I rarely get the chance to do it...which is most likely why I'm constantly pulling my hair out. When I hear people say "you should write a book", my comeback should be "wanna babysit for a few months?".

My goal over the next month is to find the time to actually put fingers to keyboard, to try and give justice to the pandemoneum I'm subjected to every day. The problem is, just as the world seems to calm down, and I'm able to form a collective thought, I have 2 children within a 10 foot radius who are a.) screaming; b.) fighting; c.) demanding something ridiculous; d.) trying to kill each other; e.) trying to kill themselves........

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Being a parent means.....

1. Downloading a song that totally ANNOYS you to no end, just because your kids love it (then, secretly, you actually start to enjoy it, too).

2. Looking forward to watching Hannah Montana with your kids (or, without).

3. Making enough PB & J sandwhiches to feed 15 different countries.

4. Realizing you've actually slept 5 hours uninterrupted and feeling totally well rested!

5. Not caring how bad your vocals are when you sing to your children in public.

6. You look every bit of your age + 5 years.

7. You cry at the drop of a hat....at movies, TV shows, commercials, rain, people walking their dogs....

8. Writing a 'mom-blog' because you now feel a strange connection to every woman out there who is a mother.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Boys VS. Girls.....

Little boys LOVE their mommies....until about 3 or 4 when all they care about is crashing cars, sword fights, and coming up with new, creative ways to torture their younger siblings.

Little girls will begin to 'establish dominance' at around 10 months....because by this time, mommy & daddy are totally whooped, and can do nothing about it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Ella's story....

I prayed and prayed, then waited for 18 months to become pregnant with my daugther, Ella Rae. After having my son, Conner Jaycob (who's first year of life was a nightmare), I decided I did not want him to be an only child as I had.
After 1 surgery, and 5 months of Clomid therapy, I had given up hope. I was jealous of women around me who got pregnant so easily, and I found myself focusing more on that, than what I should be thankful for, which was my amazing husband and adorable son.
On the day we arrived in North Carolina (by way of Southern California), I discovered I was pregnant. This came after an intense trip across the country, uprooting our family for a better life, and 3 months after watching my mother die of breast cancer. I felt alone and scared.
It was a horrible pregnancy. I bled frequently in the beginning, had severe migraines and vomited constantly, was diagnosed with placenta previa and then went into labor at 32 weeks. I was hospitalized and put on Magnesium (which is a fate I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy), not once, but two seperate times. Both times, I prayed for death. I was angry with God and told him that if he was ready to take her from me, NOW was the time. If I gave birth to this child, and she became part of our lives completely, He was not allowed to take her away.
Needless to say, she came into this world, and we fell utterly in love with her. She has been a true miracle in our lives.
I have always felt like something might be "wrong" and have always had this intense fear that she would be taken from us too soon. Have I showed her more love and affection than our 4yo son? Probably. Is this a result of wanting her for so long? Probably. Do I feel incredibly guilty about this?? ABSOLUTELY.
As it turns out, I have been to more specialists with this child than I had been with my firstborn, and I never thought that would be possible!
I constantly question why I am put to these feats of strength. What do I have to prove? How much must I go through before I have a total meltdown and am of no use to my children or husband??

No one ever told me....

I had no idea that being a mother would bring such heartbreak, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, anger, willingness to fight a perfect stranger.....along with so much love, appreciation, compassion, protectiveness, and willingness to give one's own life to protect that of your offspring. If I'd had a 'normal' relationship with my own mother, perhaps I could have prepared myself for at least some of these emotions.

I always saw my friends who'd had kids and thought "there's no way I'm putting myself through that". I could see the utter exhaustion and defeat on their faces, not to mention all that they'd had to sacrifice. But then I had to go and fall in love, and get married. The natural progression was that kids would follow. If I'd known that all that "sacrifice" included stretch marks, cellulite, doubt, loss of brain cells, or turning into my own mother (or atleast, trying NOT to become her), I'm not quite sure I would have taken on this heroic task.

But, alas, here I am....stay-at-home mother of two young children, consumed in their every day lives, shower and privacy deprived...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Top 13 reasons why.....

I fully advocate the use of prescription medication or alcohol for all mothers, without question or fear of judgement, for any or all of the following reasons… (Note: author does not condone the use of recreational drugs)

1. you can no longer use the excuse “baby weight”, because your “baby” is in 6th grade

2. the 8 cups of coffee you have every morning for survival no longer have the same desired affect

3. you have family or in-laws visiting

4. you are a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom

5. you realize it may be years before you actually get to shower or use the bathroom without an audience

6. you find yourself wearing sweatpants and your husbands old t-shirts on a daily basis

7. you can’t remember the last time you brushed your teeth or washed your hair

8. your idea of a homemade meal is a frozen pizza that you added extra cheese and vegetables to

9. you feel like every cough, sneeze, and runny nose MUST be that rare disease you heard about on Dateline

10. the nurse at your pediatricians office is now one of your closest friends because you talk to HER more than your friends & family combined

11. Facebook has become your only connection to the outside world

12. you find yourself singing along to the Imagination Movers in the car, except….you are alone

and finally…..

13. your baby/child is experiencing any of the following: colic, teething, any form of sickness, reflux, crawling, learning to walk, biting, learning to talk, learning to talk back, potty training (which may actually require a temporary increase in dosage), starting school, learning how to drive, going on their first date, leaving for college....

Just Another Monday...

At my sons very first dentist appointment, I’m standing at the counter filling out totally unnecessary medical history on a 4 year old (i.e. ‘history of alcohol abuse?’, ‘depression?’, ‘have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?’). I wanted to ask the receptionist if these were questions about ME (in which case, YES, to all of the above - I’m a mother, after all).

As I’m yelling at said 4 year old while he is across the lobby destroying some wood tree house sculpture, feeling secure that my 8 month old baby is strapped safely into her stroller behind me…. (and for once feeling like just “maybe” I have things under control)…I hear “ma’am, is that your baby crawling down the hallway??”

You know you are an unfit mother when....

A. You forget to buckle one (or both) of your children into their carseats before driving

B. Your 4 year old has to wak you up to tell you the baby is screaming because you actually forgot to turn ON the monitor

C. You find your 4 year old eating frozen chicken out of the freezer, because he told you he was hungry an hour ago and you totally forgot