Monday, October 31, 2011

'Words of Wisdom' Monday

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa

(cause you know I couldn't write anything that inspirational.  Mine would be a little more direct.  Something like this:  "EFF them all!!")

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Something doesn't look quite right....

When it comes to baking, like in an actual kitchen, I don't pretend to channel my inner Martha Stewart (Chelsea Handler maybe.  Does she bake?)

Anyway, I was trying to find something new to do with my kids on a cold, windy day.  And believe me, there is no baking happening in this house unless grandma comes to visit.  Obviously.

I found a recipe online (thank you "jane1645") and followed it exactly 

And this is the result.

WTF ??!!

It looks like globs of cellulite on a baking sheet. 

Seriously.  Where did I go wrong?!  Is this like a metaphor for my life?  I've got all the right ingredients, but I just don't know how to mix them together correctly?!

Great.  Now I've just made cookie-baking a completely depressing experience.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Top 10 Ways Being a Parent is like Being at a Frat Party

So, every once in a while, someone I know sends me something that makes me literally laugh so hard that I pee my pants (okay, so technically, that's not so hard these days).
I recently sent a funny list of "Top 10 Things You Should Never Say to the Spouse of a Deployed Soldier" to a friend of mine whose husband is currently serving in Iraq (she has 3 children under the age of 10). 
This is how she returned the favor.  I wish I knew who wrote this.  Anybody out there wanna take credit??  Seriously.  I can make you famous.  Okay, maybe not famous.  But, at least, 4 people will read it on this blog.
Top 10 Ways That Being A Parent Is Like Being at a Frat Party... 
10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub. 
9. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner. 
8. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function. 
7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.
6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA. 
5. You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink. 
4. There's definitely going to be a fight. 
3. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested. 
2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere. 
1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.
Go ahead people.  Pee your pants.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Work in Progress

Please forgive me, while I attempt to add Personal Blog Designer to my list of semi-talents.....(excuse me while I spit vodka out of my nose).

Things may be changing on this site periodically over the next few days (as it also acts as a therapeutic agent so I don't beat my children).  I'm honestly not trying to make you nauseous or give you whiplash.


I don't even like the color blue, so clearly I have no idea what the F@&K I'm doing.

Holy mounds of crap !!

There is not an adjective in the English language, that could possibly describe the amount of $hit I walked into this morning, when going to get Little Girl from her room.  We're talking - all over her, the blankets, the crib rails, the walls, underneath the mattress (no explanation for that one), and finally, 'dripped' onto the floor.

That's right.  Dripped.  Like a leaky faucet.

It smelled as if things transpired hours before I actually went to get her.  For a moment I felt really bad that she was probably rolling around in her own feces for a good part of the night.  That fluttering emotion quickly vanished as I felt more sorry for myself and what it would entail to get this horrific scene cleaned up.

I'll spare you the details, as I'm certain many of you have had a similar experience.  However, I'm quite sure most of you don't experience this at least once a week.  I guess I'm just glad it happened in the privacy of our own home, and not out in public (a normal occurrence for us).  Or at the gym, while she's in the childcare (again, a normal occurrence.  I'm actually surprised they haven't asked us not to come back yet).

I mean, I literally have to carry around 2 changes of clothes, 6 diapers and a box of wipes everywhere we go.  I never know when the "blow-outs" will occur (usually shopping at Kohl's is a good inducer of gastric flow for her).  It's been 2 1/2 years and it's frustrating as hell.

I constantly smell poo.....(usually it ends up being stuck under my finger nails).

I'm tired of hearing "she's not potty trained yet??"  
No, asshole, she's not!  I actually enjoy wiping shit off someone else's ass 9 times a day, so I'm thinking we'll start when she's off to 1st grade.

November 7th can not get here soon enough.  This is the date of her upper and lower endoscopy (a reschedule from earlier this month).  Although we'll have to wait several days for results from the procedure, I know exactly what it will show - that the Eosinophilia is invading her little tummy again (insert sad face).  And God willing, this will be the worst thing it shows.

At least this will put her back on a course of treatment, and even though the treatment itself comes with it's own set of side effects, she'll feel some sort of relief.

And, hopefully I'll get a break from cleaning up *shit-plosions* for a while.


**author's side note:  It's days like today when I feel I need to start Happy Hour-ing early.  However, I'm on Day #3 of healthy eating & no wine drinking, and I'm proud to say, I have not succumbed to any cheating**

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Body Makeover: Day 45....

....I'm still fat.  Gym = 2; My ass = 0

I was gonna try and be all motivational or inspirational in this post, but, I can't.  My "inspirational quota" lasts all of about 48 hours.

My dear husband suggested to me that I might want to "cut back the calories" in order to lose weight.  What he really meant was "give up wine".

In my rational mind, I know he's right.  But I don't pride myself on being rational.  So, I headed off to the local GNC store and purchased the largest tub of Weight Loss/Protein Powder Chalk Shake I could find.  For a bunch of tasteless dust, it's actually not so bad.  I mix it with vodka milk, instead of water.  And add a banana.  It's got a bunch of vitamins and crap in it, so I figure it's gotta be healthy.

Like today....I had coffee, 2 eggs, went to the gym for 2 hours, then had a salad for lunch (and did not coat it in ranch dressing).  I used actual vegetables.  (I know, I'm even scaring myself here).

So, here's my question.  I'm basically skipping a meal (for all intents and purposes), so will a glass of wine..or three...hurt?  What if I put in an extra 20 minutes of cardio at the gym every day?

Would it make a difference if I mentioned that we are on week THREE of track out, both kids are home 24/7 and decided today they would use the sidewalk chalk to paint themselves, the backyard, all of their toys and the hardwood floors??  Or that it's supposed to rain tomorrow so there goes all hope of throwing them out in the backyard for an hour (or 7)?  Or that my husband is gone the better part of 12 hours a day?

Oh, forget it.  Unless they come up with some Narcotic-Enhanced Water that you can get over the counter, wine's all I've got to keep my head above water.  At the moment.

I'm gonna go make myself a protein shake and chase it down with some chardonnay.

(Go ahead.  Cast your judgements.  Wouldn't be the first time).

Friday, October 14, 2011

Let Me Explain.......

So far, I absolutely ABHOR fall.  And normally, this is my favorite time of year.  The temperature cools down, the leaves start to turn shades of amber and orange, it's time for pumpkin lattes and spiced apple scented candles.

But in this household, I've learned to expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised when IF shit doesn't hit the fan.  And, boy, the shit has hit the fan.......and the fan was on "HIGH" and spread the shit all over the room.

1.  My 6 year old breaks his arm.  He narrowly avoids needing to have surgery to set the bones back in place.  He still remains in a cast and will most likely require one until at least Thanksgiving  (wtf??!).  We've received the bill from the emergency room visit so far......goodbye savings account and college education fund.

2.  My 2 year old was scheduled for upper and lower endoscopies.  We've been through this before.  She has an auto-immune disorder that greatly affects her stomach (and by *greatly*, I mean chronic diarrhea.  And by *chronic* I mean multiple times a day).  It also causes her to pick up every germ in the free world (she battled Salmonella for 3 months this time last year).  So, as bad luck would have it, she came down with an upper respiratory infection, required antibiotics, thus cancelling out the scheduled procedure.  We now have to wait another 4 weeks, and pray that she will be healthy by the next appointment.  Things could be worse, I know.  But cleaning up shit explosions daily is not my idea of 'fun' - especially when it happens publicly.

3.  Our shower door literally fell off of it's hinges.....then the hinges followed.....while I was actually standing in the shower.  Now, our house is only 3 years old.  We've wanted to redo the master bath since day 35 of living here.  The builder did a crappy job of designing this particular bathroom, and because of this stupidity in design, I'm forced to clean mold from the shower several times a week (think *no ventilation*).  I think the bleach eroded the caulking enough that the door just gave up out.  The problem at this particular juncture, is that because our children are so effing hi-maintenance, there is NO room in the budget for home repairs.  My temporary solution was to hang a shower curtain up, which decreases the amount of mold build up for sure, because all the water now pools onto the floor!  (insert growl here)

4.  Our microwave broke (also 3 years old).  Thank you GE for making such a stellar product!  Oh, it can be fixed....for $175.  Or we can just buy a new one for $250.  Do you know how time consuming it is to warm everything on the damn stove?!?  Or reheat leftovers in the oven?!?  It's safe to say, I could never have been alive, or a mother, during the 1940's.  Or Prohibition.

5.  (I've saved the best worst for last here).  We had NO. INTERNET. for TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS!!  Yes, please take a moment to ponder this, reread the statement if you need to, and shed a tear,  or three.  I couldn't check Facebook, or email, OR vent on this blog.  It was my own personal horror movie!!!!!  (I should go all "positive outlook" here for a minute, and say - it did force allow me the time to actually interact with my kids all. day. long.)


So, for any of you who actually missed hearing my selfish, ego maniacal, here-to-make-you-feel-better-about-yourself rants, I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!