Monday, January 31, 2011

My New Life Theme: CHAOS

WHY is it impossible to leave the house, and not remember everything I absolutely need for the day?? Sometimes, I can barely remember if I've fed both children, put a diaper on my toddler, or brushed my teeth! I can't even begin to count how many times I have had to turn the car around, miles from home, making us late to whatever destination we were originally set out for. Once, in doing so, I was so flustered and anxiety-ridden over being so late, I actually left the house key in the front door after our second return trip home. Thank God we live in a fairly safe neighborhood.

On top of that, it has become impossible to take my toddler anywhere that she doesn't pretend she is Spidergirl. Yesterday's fiasco included a visit to the public library, where she proceeded to climb onto a chair and "fly" face first into a bookshelf, causing a huge hematoma to form right in the center of both eyes. She currently looks like a Cyclopes. Since I've already taken her to the pediatrician once (or twice) for a serious self-inflicted head injury, I fear I will actually have to switch doctor's soon! I mean, at some point, they're going to think I'm the one harming her. Although, if they examined my own personal history of broken bones and injuries, they may actually see a hereditary pattern of clumsiness. I am, however, completely up to date on how to observe your child for a concussion. And, truly, if I was going to use corporal punishment on either of my children, I wouldn't do it in such a conspicuous place.

Then there is the whole "separation anxiety" dilemma that causes me to feel like I need psychiatric intervention. At what point is leaving your toddler for 2 hours, so you can perhaps get something accomplished ALONE, worth 5 days of punishment afterward? No joke here folks. To spend 2 hours, every other week in MOPS, I am forced to do the unthinkable....leave my 23 month old in *CHILDCARE*. You would think that is the most God-awful word in the English language in this house. Every one tells me "she'll get used to it, don't worry". Yet, these people are not offering to pay for my prescription of Xanax or the bottle of red wine I know I will need to make it through the evening. This child will literally glue herself to me for the next week; violently kick, scream, thrash, hit and torture me until I feel I am about to break.

Which brings me to my next favorite time of the day....the 4:00 "witching" hour. This is when child #1 gets home from kindergarten, solely intent on torturing child #2, his younger sister and arch nemesis. I then have to put on my "mediator-interventionist-referee" cap, all while trying to get child #1 to do his homework, and play short order cook and determine what should be on the menu that both children will eat (which never ends up working out in my favor). Everyone is tired and cranky at this point, myself included, but I would be considered a terrible mother to threaten to run away from home.....right?

Don't even get me started on the days all household chores - cleaning, cooking, bill paying, Facebook & e-mail checking - have to be performed 'one-handed' because I have a toddler surgically attached to my hip.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who realizes that I am NO Domestic Goddess, Martha Stewart, or Carol Brady. If we're all alive at the end of the day, I feel like we've come out ahead.

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