Thursday, November 10, 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME......
Remember when we used to get excited about our upcoming birthdays? Especially the monumental ones (16, 18, 21). And really, every birthday from 21 to 29, when we could drink legally and thought we were hot $hit and actual adults. And we always had some fabulous plans with friends or family that involved us in a tiara and everyone serving us cheese & wine while throwing rose petals at our feet. (Okay, maybe that was just me.....in a dream).
But after my 30th, when I got knocked up (my husband refers to that as the gift that keeps on giving), it's really gone downhill.
And, now, I am officially "COUGAR" status (I think). Somewhere in between 35 and 40 (a girl never tells her real age). Really, this is all I have left. And I don't even look the part.
I had these delusions of grandeur last night that I would wake up to a clean house, a nanny feeding my children breakfast, a masseuse waiting for me, a personal assistant to attend to all my needs for the day.......listen, I qualified them as 'delusions'.
Since those things clearly didn't, and won't, happen, my plans for today are as follows (please contain your excitement and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop):
1. I began the day screaming at the neighbor for revving his mustang engine for 5 effing minutes, while my 2 year old, by the Grace of God, is still asleep
2. I am currently tuning out my 6 year old who can't function unless he is in the same room as me.....talking nonstop about God knows what. Today's opener: "Happy Birthday mom. Do you know the name for a female dog? It starts with a B and ends with 'itch'. I'm serious. It's in the bible". wtf?
3. I have to clean the kitchen, empty & reload the dishwasher (refer to photograph), wash & fold laundry......because if I don't do it today, it'll still be there tomorrow......which is a holiday....which means both kids are home. All day. With me.
4. I have to go to the gym and burn off 500 calories just so I can consume wine tonight. And, yes, it will be the entire bottle. I even splurged - $8!
5. I'm going to pick up a birthday cake, for my family, because I can't eat it, because my ass already has it's own zip code.
6. My husband says he'll be home "usual" time tonight, which is somewhere between 6:30 and 7. Which means I'll be making dinner. For my family. Because I'll be having lettuce.
Happy. Friggin'. Birthday.