I prayed and prayed, then waited for 18 months to become pregnant with my daugther, Ella Rae. After having my son, Conner Jaycob (who's first year of life was a nightmare), I decided I did not want him to be an only child as I had.
After 1 surgery, and 5 months of Clomid therapy, I had given up hope. I was jealous of women around me who got pregnant so easily, and I found myself focusing more on that, than what I should be thankful for, which was my amazing husband and adorable son.
On the day we arrived in North Carolina (by way of Southern California), I discovered I was pregnant. This came after an intense trip across the country, uprooting our family for a better life, and 3 months after watching my mother die of breast cancer. I felt alone and scared.
It was a horrible pregnancy. I bled frequently in the beginning, had severe migraines and vomited constantly, was diagnosed with placenta previa and then went into labor at 32 weeks. I was hospitalized and put on Magnesium (which is a fate I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy), not once, but two seperate times. Both times, I prayed for death. I was angry with God and told him that if he was ready to take her from me, NOW was the time. If I gave birth to this child, and she became part of our lives completely, He was not allowed to take her away.
Needless to say, she came into this world, and we fell utterly in love with her. She has been a true miracle in our lives.
I have always felt like something might be "wrong" and have always had this intense fear that she would be taken from us too soon. Have I showed her more love and affection than our 4yo son? Probably. Is this a result of wanting her for so long? Probably. Do I feel incredibly guilty about this?? ABSOLUTELY.
As it turns out, I have been to more specialists with this child than I had been with my firstborn, and I never thought that would be possible!
I constantly question why I am put to these feats of strength. What do I have to prove? How much must I go through before I have a total meltdown and am of no use to my children or husband??