Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm voting myself off the island

 Of good parenting.  And it's not because of my children.  It's because of me.  I am admitting openly and honestly......I.  Am.  A.  Terrible.  Mother.   I am screwing up my children exponentially. Ten or twenty years from now, they will be the reason therapists and pharmaceutical companies are thriving.  While most parents are saving for their childrens' college education, I'm socking away money for the psychiatric intervention that is begrudgingly anticipated in our near future.

I scream and yell and get frustrated with them too quickly.  I speak to my 5 year old like he's a grown man and should be totally accountable for his actions.  And deep down in my psyche, that's  how I see him.  Why????  Because that's exactly how I was raised.  I was never treated like a child.......... one who's supposed to make mistakes, and learn from them.  It was horrible.  But because of that, I don't know how to relate to anybody who's too young to have a drivers license or a voters registration card.
I expect perfection from everyone, including my children, when I am FAR from perfect myself.  It's pathetic.

I constantly feel defeated.  And drained.   I can't keep up with the whining and complaining.  The constant questions and unending neediness.  I get frazzled way too easily.  I yell, or completely over-react to a situation, and then hate myself for days after wards. The guilt consumes me.

And it's NOT their  fault!  I know that.They are doing exactly what they should be doing.  Acting like kids.  Looking at me to guide them.

I'm forever sizing up every other mother I see, and I definitely FAIL miserably in comparison!!  I'm constantly waiting for the 'EXIT' door to open so I can run screaming through it.

They deserve better, yet are stuck with me.  A work in progress.  The lady with the caution tape wrapped around her.  I try so hard to give them all the advantages I never had growing up, when all the while, I feel I am failing to give them what they need most.  A mother they know loves them unconditionally, who raises them up when they hit the ground, gives them encouragement and support.  And I do TRY to do ALL of those things for them, but the second that short fuse button is pushed inside of me, it all goes out the window.

Yes, this is my pity party.  But, no, I'm not looking for validation.  And this isn't a cry for help.  I'm using this as a starting point to change myself.  Expect less from them.  Be more patient.  Yell less.  A LOT less.  Live in the moment.  Cherish all the questions, and even the neediness.  Remind myself it won't be like this forever.  Allow them to be "children" and not wish them into adulthood (or even into an age bracket where they no longer crap their pants).  Be less judgmental of myself.  Compare less.  Pray more.  Seek more guidance.  Ask for more help.  Take more time for myself.  Learn how to take a step back and...... breathe 

Just breathe.

(image credit.........tripadvisor.com)


  1. I love you! Here's to being better mom's together!

  2. Motherhood is freaking difficult..I do the same thing with my children..Then cry about all the ways I've messed up when they are not around..I constantly compare myself to other moms I know and how they relate to their children..I fail miserably. I'm still waiting for my "Get out of parenting free" card..I should've passed that spot in this game of life a while ago...((HUGS)) Just wanted you to know you are not alone :o)

  3. I read once that when you are comparing yourself to the other perfect mommy's, chances are that you are comparing your worst day to their best day. You just have to remember that no one is perfect, everyone is just out there trying their best. I am sure you are too!

  4. Wow, at first I thought I was reading my own thoughts! I think we may be living the same life! I can't tell you how often I have thought the same things, beaten myself up for it, and prayed for some kind of parental guidance and forgiveness on a daily basis! I myself have vowed to enter into rehab and try to change my ways! Hey the first step is admitting it right??! You are not alone my friend, you may have just started a support group-- ;)

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  6. you are brave in admitting this, and I could have written this about 4 years ago. I get where you are, and admire your determination. really.

  7. We actually have been keeping a list for each of the kids to hand to the therapist with all the things we've done to screw them up. Figure we'll save at least six months of sessions.

    What is amazing to me is that I feel as though I lose control and scream more than I'd like and yet my oldest (nearly 11) asked me just today how I stay so calm when things get crazy.

    This is a great post and I wish you the best of luck as you reimagine yourself.

  8. You're not alone. Does that help? I wonder if anyone looks back and thinks to themselves "wow my parents did an awesome job raising me" (and if they do, well, can you say "repressed memories??) Thank you for your openness and your honesty. It feels better knowing i'm not alone in this hellhole called "parenting".

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