Of good parenting. And it's not because of my children. It's because of me. I am admitting openly and honestly......I. Am. A. Terrible. Mother. I am screwing up my children exponentially. Ten or twenty years from now, they will be the reason therapists and pharmaceutical companies are thriving. While most parents are saving for their childrens' college education, I'm socking away money for the psychiatric intervention that is begrudgingly anticipated in our near future.
I scream and yell and get frustrated with them too quickly. I speak to my 5 year old like he's a grown man and should be totally accountable for his actions. And deep down in my psyche, that's how I see him. Why???? Because that's exactly how I was raised. I was never treated like a child.......... one who's supposed to make mistakes, and learn from them. It was horrible. But because of that, I don't know how to relate to anybody who's too young to have a drivers license or a voters registration card.
I expect perfection from everyone, including my children, when I am FAR from perfect myself. It's pathetic.
I constantly feel defeated. And drained. I can't keep up with the whining and complaining. The constant questions and unending neediness. I get frazzled way too easily. I yell, or completely over-react to a situation, and then hate myself for days after wards. The guilt consumes me.
And it's NOT their fault! I know that.They are doing exactly what they should be doing. Acting like kids. Looking at me to guide them.
I'm forever sizing up every other mother I see, and I definitely FAIL miserably in comparison!! I'm constantly waiting for the 'EXIT' door to open so I can run screaming through it.
They deserve better, yet are stuck with me. A work in progress. The lady with the caution tape wrapped around her. I try so hard to give them all the advantages I never had growing up, when all the while, I feel I am failing to give them what they need most. A mother they know loves them unconditionally, who raises them up when they hit the ground, gives them encouragement and support. And I do TRY to do ALL of those things for them, but the second that short fuse button is pushed inside of me, it all goes out the window.
Yes, this is my pity party. But, no, I'm not looking for validation. And this isn't a cry for help. I'm using this as a starting point to change myself. Expect less from them. Be more patient. Yell less. A LOT less. Live in the moment. Cherish all the questions, and even the neediness. Remind myself it won't be like this forever. Allow them to be "children" and not wish them into adulthood (or even into an age bracket where they no longer crap their pants). Be less judgmental of myself. Compare less. Pray more. Seek more guidance. Ask for more help. Take more time for myself. Learn how to take a step back and...... breathe.