Saturday, May 7, 2011

The $*it stops here.

Potty training.  What a glorious, soul-sucking time in a mom's life.  Am I right??

It's not bad enough we've had to change their diapers 30 times a day for the last 2 to 3 years.  Clean their bodies, the walls, the sheets and the crib after "poo-splosions" (that for some reason, in MY house, always happen on mommy's watch.  Never daddy's.  I'm convinced it's some type of conspiracy).  

But, now, we actually have to sit on the bathroom floor, in front of the toilet (thinking about how badly the floorboards need to be cleaned, but Lord knows we'll never actually get that done), bribing them with skittles and M&M's, singing stupid songs over and over, just in the hope of coercing them to make a "tiny tinkle" on the "big potty".  It's borderline degrading.

And don't even get me started on those stupid automatic flush toilets that seem to set us back on the whole potty training "adventure" by at least 3 months.  The genius behind this invention clearly never had a toddler who was certain the toilet had a monster hiding in the hole waiting to grab him and suck him down into oblivion.

We potty trained our son at 3 years old.  I was 8 weeks pregnant.  I could barely take the smell of linoleum, let alone a poopy diaper.  I bought toys that I knew he wanted and put them on top of the refrigerator so he would actually have visible proof of his rewards for getting out of diapers.  It was a month of hell.  A 20 minute trip to Target turned into a 2 hour nightmare.   

"Mommy, I have to go potty".

"Are you sure this time?  We've been to the bathroom 3 times already and you haven't gone" (not to mention we are in the back of the store, and the cart is full.  With frozen food & perishables)

"I'm sure this time".


But, you've got no choice.  It's all part of  this glamorous job called motherhood.

I figured it would work about the same with our daughter (now 26 months old).  However, she has a propensity for nudity and a refusal to wear diapers (and shoes).  She decided over the this past weekend that she was going to spend her time completely diaper free.  And to my total astonishment, she actually went into the bathroom and used the big potty ALL.  BY.  HERSELF.  There was actually soundtrack music in my head as I envisioned my life with NO.  MORE.  DIAPERS.


Until she squatted down, over her brother, who was lying face down on the carpeted living room floor........and crapped on him. 

So, she's back in diapers.  The soundtrack music shut off abruptly.  And this incident will definitely be going on the list:  "Reasons Why My Kids Are So Screwed Up".

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